WHY
by Guber
Summary: 2 months after hannibal. clarice is fired from FBI and sits in the dark thinking. corrected version


Disclaimer: don't sue me, sue my imagination! The song used in the story is called Why by Annie Lennox.  
  
Please read and review.  
  
Why  
  
Clarice sat in her dark apartment. Music was playing softly into the darkness of the room as a stream of tears retraced the path previous tears had traveled. It was two months after Chesapeake. A few days ago, Clarice had received the bad news that she was fired from the FBI with the implication that she was lucky that she did not face criminal charges as well. Her duplex was under siege by reporters trying to get the best headline for tomorrow's newspapers.  
  
Clarice tried to shield the pain by hiding deeper in the shadows as every moment ever spent with Dr. Lecter passed by her eyes. The pain intensified with every memory of him. The kiss he had bestowed upon her burned even hotter. Clarice took another sip of her JD, leaned her head back against the wall, closed her eyes and listened to the song that had started playing on the radio.  
  
~~~  
  
How many times do I have to try to tell you  
  
That I'm sorry for the things I've done  
  
But when I start to try to tell you  
  
That's when you have to tell me  
  
Hey. this kind of trouble's only just begun  
  
I tell myself too many times  
  
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut  
  
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words  
  
That keep on falling from your mouth  
  
Falling from your mouth  
  
Falling from your mouth  
  
Tell me..  
  
Why  
  
Why.  
  
~~~  
  
Clarice was back in Paul Krendler's kitchen, her hair caught in the fridge, her mind fogged by whatever drug Dr. Lecter had given her for pain. She remembered his smell, how his cologne mixed with the scent that was distinctly Dr. Lecter. She remembered how his eyes had searched hers, how they held her captive. She remembered the question; if she would tell him to stop, the question that haunted her dreams and her every waking hour. And then he had moved towards her as if wanting to bite her; as if, by this last action, he would possess her at last. Clarice had held her breath in that moment waiting for the inevitable. This time she had pushed too far! Clarice, savior of the lambs, had rescued the wolf in sheep's clothing and now it was time to pay. It was then that his lips had touched hers.  
  
Tears spilled from her eyes down over the mark of courage on her cheek like they were trying to wash away what she was no longer worthy of. The only courage there was left in her was her mind sticking to the answer she had given him. She would never tell him to stop. Clarice's mind fought her heart as she acknowledged these words. Her mind sided with her morals and the agent telling her that she had acted correctly by trying one last time to capture Dr. Lecter, while her heart asked, "Why?" Why could she not see the truth for what it was? Why would she not give up the agent and be the woman she was?  
  
~~~  
  
I may be mad  
  
I may be blind  
  
I may be viciously unkind  
  
But I can still read what you're thinking  
  
And I've heard is said too many times  
  
That you'd be better off  
  
Besides..  
  
Why can't you see this boat is sinking  
  
(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking)  
  
Let's go down to the water's edge  
  
And we can cast away those doubts  
  
Some things are better left unsaid  
  
But they still turn me inside out  
  
Turning inside out turning inside out  
  
Tell me...  
  
Why  
  
Tell me...  
  
Why  
  
~~~  
  
Clarice had known her future as an agent had been sealed once she went after Dr. Lecter herself. When the letter had come, telling her she was fired, she should have expected it. Still, something inside her had broken. All her life, she had strived to be a protector of the lambs, fighting for the good. Clarice had not been prepared for what she had learned, that there was no room for her and her morals. The likes of her were a threat to the institution that the FBI was. She should have known that Dr. Lecter would end up being right. The glass ceiling would always be there, it would not have mattered if she had captured him or not. And now her life felt wasted, the purpose she had served was false. She had not wanted to believe what he had said. She had wanted to believe she could have broken the glass ceiling but now she would have to face that she had kept her eyes closed for far too long. Clarice took another sip of her JD trying to wash away the sour taste of defeat in her mouth.  
  
No one knew precisely what had happened in that kitchen with the exception of those who had been there. Clarice had left out the whole fridge scene. Ardelia, Clarice suspected, had her own suspicions about her feelings for Dr. Lecter; feelings that had begun with her first trip to Baltimore. What those feelings were, Clarice had difficulty deciding. Dr. Lecter had used the word love, could he truly love her? Was she not merely a toy to him? Could she possibly love him? Love, a word so commonly used that it no longer bore any meaning to Clarice. Love, a crude and over-simplistic word that could never be able to define or describe their relationship to each other. Everyone else thought she loved him, trying to make what they had as cheap as the morals of the FBI. The press had a field day when they had read the official report detailing what had happened at Chesapeake. It stated quite clearly that Agent Starling had went, of her own free will, to free the known madman, Hannibal "the cannibal" Lecter, breaking her suspension and going against a direct order not to go to the Verger estate. But in truth, it had all begun before that night. Her fall from grace had begun the moment Dr. Lecter had given her Jame Gumb. From then on, the FBI had plotted her demise.  
  
Her fate had been decided the moment Crawford had sent her to Dr. Lecter. And though Crawford was dead now, she still wondered if he had known how it would have turned out. If he had known that he had sent her out on a sinking boat. If he had known, would he have stopped it? Would he have prevented her demise? Would he have prevented this charade from continuing? Clarice had so often wanted to ask Crawford why? She wanted to blame him but she could not. There was nothing left in her. There was no more fighting left in her. There was only the darkness which threatened to consume her whole being. She was drowning, sinking into the deep.  
  
~~~  
  
This is the book I never read  
  
These are words I never said  
  
This is the path I'll never tread  
  
These are the dreams I dream instead  
  
This is the joy that's seldom spread  
  
These are the tears.  
  
The tears we shed  
  
This is the fear  
  
This is the dread  
  
These are the contents of my head  
  
And these are the years that we have spent  
  
And this is what they represent  
  
And this is how I feel  
  
Do you know how I feel?  
  
'Cause I don't think you know how I feel  
  
I don't think you know how I feel  
  
I don't think you know how I feel  
  
You don't know what I feel.  
  
~~~  
  
The phone rang. Clarice did not move to pick it up. Instead, she drained her glass of the remainder of the JD, leaving a burning sensation in her throat as it made its way down. The phone continued ringing and she heard the door open.  
  
"Clarice, you in there?" Ardelia's voice filled the dark living room. There was no response. Ardelia went over to the phone and answered it. "No. no comment." Ardelia's voice had a cold tone in it that left no room for argument. She put the phone down again, looking around in Clarice's living room trying to spot her. "Clarice?" she tried again and was rewarded with a sob from a corner of the room.  
  
Ardelia went to Clarice who sat crumbled against the wall in the corner. "Clarice... are you okay, girl?" Clarice found the question absurd but she was touched by her best friend's affection.  
  
"It's all so fucked up, Ardi.." Clarice's voice was hoarse. Ardelia reached for the bottle of JD and took a seat next to Clarice.  
  
"Why don't you talk about it?" Ardi offered.  
  
Clarice turned her head to face Ardelia, "I can't." To Clarice, it was as simple as that. No one could know. No one would ever know, not even the man whom it was all about.  
  
Ardelia knew then what it was about. Though it had been Clarice who had visited Dr. Lecter all those years ago, Clarice who had hunted him, Clarice who had been bait and Clarice who had been fired, it had been as much in her life as Clarice's. Ardelia never quite understood the bond that seemed to be between her best friend and a cannibal but as she looked at Clarice, she saw a person who seemed to have every sign of being in love and denying it.  
  
"I am your best friend. You know you can tell me anything, right?" Ardelia had not meant for it to come out as a question, yet somewhere deep within herself, she feared that Clarice did not trust her enough to tell her what was going on. When Clarice was still not forthcoming, Ardelia chose to drop the bomb.  
  
"If you love him, why don't you go after him, girl?" Ardelia's words had taken Clarice by total surprise. The first thought in Clarice's mind was how did Ardi know and then what Ardelia was planning to do with this knowledge? How long had she known? Clarice did not know what to do anymore.  
  
"I can't, Ardi. I just can't. He is gone now." A tear rolled down her cheek. Ardelia put her arm around Clarice's shoulders. "Starling, if anyone can find him, you can." Somewhere inside herself, Ardi felt odd giving her friend advice to run off and find a wanted criminal but she wanted to see her friend happy. If that meant being with a criminal, then so be it!  
  
"You mean it?" Clarice asked.  
  
"Of course I do. Go get him and be happy" Ardelia hugged Clarice and gave her the bottle of JD after she had taken a sip for herself. "I might not understand why, but I love you anyhow."  
  
Clarice's mind cleared when it finally hit her! She didn't have to know or understand why. She just needed to admit and accept that she loved Dr. Lecter! Ardelia's words had freed something in her. It was time to go after what she wanted and now she knew what that was.  
  
Clarice briefly hugged Ardelia who had been watching her and said, "Thanks, Ardi. You helped answer my question."  
  
A/N might there be more? Well perhaps, I have to finish no more tears first. 


End file.
